1 YEAR

9-14-10
One year ago tonight I was served divorce papers and life as I knew it was over. That's really all I have to say about that right now.

Forgive AND Forget?

     I've found that forgiveness is one of those things that doesn't necessarily only have to be given once.  I came to a place a few months ago where I forgave  a handful of people that had really hurt me because I knew it was the right thing to do.  The thing is, though, forgiveness doesn't always mean forgetting.  When someone has  done things that have caused MUCH pain in your life and not even seemed to care.... it's hard to forget.  When someone seems to be continually trying to cause you more pain....it's hard to forget.  When you still have emotional ties to someone who has hurt you....it's hard to forget.  Forgiveness is easier than forgetting. 
   

     Today at church the word was on forgiveness.  The title of the sermon was "When You Can't Tell Your Enemies from Your Friends". ( Most of you know I've already dealt with this, which is why I have few friends now, but the ones I have I love dearly. ) Here were the three main points:

1.  Remember:  friends can become enemies. When our affections or priorities change people that were once close to us can actually become our enemies.  The pastor gave an example that punched me in the gut.  If only I had seen that a few years ago....

Again the scripture was given: Do not repay anyone evil for evil.  Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Romans12:18

2.  Remember, enemies can become friends.  Sometimes God uses people you could never imagine to impact your life, or cause changes in the events of your life that can positive. (Even if you don't see it at the time.)

3.  Remember, God is still in control.  Don't be too quick to label something in your life as good or bad.  God may be doing something behind the scenes that may not be seen by us until the future.  Who's to say some of these awful events in my life are not for the good of me at a later time, or that these things will make me a better person in some way?

     At the end of the sermon was a response time. The pastor encouraged anyone who needed to forgive someone to respond, or if there was anyone in your life who was still had control over your emotions and you needed  to release that to respond.  At my church you can choose to respond in different ways.  You can pray at your seat, go to a member of the prayer team up in front, go to a candle-lighting station, or go to an actual cross that is in the corner and write your burden or request on a piece of paper and tack it to the cross and pray.  I stood there with tears in my eyes knowing that I had 3 people to forgive, including one person who still at times controlled my emotions...someone I needed to completely release from my mind and heart (again). I went to the cross and wrote my request and put it on the cross where I left it.   Later this afternoon I realized that today is the birthday of one of the people I forgave today.  (interesting coincidence to me) 

     I know that forgiveness helps bring about peace, which is something I'm striving for in my life each day.  Forgetting the hurt will not come quickly, but once again I have chosen to forgive....in the hopes that those I've hurt will eventually forgive me.  God didn't choose to forgive me just once, but every time I ask.  If our goal is to be more like Him then I'll continue to forgive and live at peace with others. (Even if one of them screwed up my plans to go to Bham last week.) :-)

Material Loss- Emotional Gain

     Yesterday was another one of those milestones in this journey I'm taking lately.  It was a difficult milestone, and one I chose to write about the day after it occurred so I could give my "filter" some time to work.  I had an appointment with a lawyer at 1:00.  Need I say more? :-) This attorney is a family friend who specializes in mortgages and property closings.  Instead of finalizing a home purchase like the other times I had been there, this time I was going to sign away my house.  Our family's home that I had literally help build would no longer be mine. The mortgage was in my name, but according to the "papers" I was required to relinquish ownership of it. It wouldn't be as bad if I had received a big equity check in exchange, but alas, that was not to be. I knew it was going to be a tough day.
     I entered the office and sat waiting for the attorney to come in with the papers.  He entered the room and I mentioned the picture that was still on his bookshelf that was taken probably 8 or 9 years ago when his family, our family, and another friend's family all went to the beach for spring break.  Our oldest sons are all the same age, and they were playing in the sand together. They were about 3 then, and are now in middle school.  It made me smile to see that picture and think back to a happier time. We talked for a while about the bleak financial situation in our school district, and then we proceeded to the paperwork. He explained each paper to me carefully, and I could tell he knew this was a difficult task for me. When he went to get a witness for the last paper I checked my phone and read two texts from a couple of friends who knew where I was at the time.  One of them caused the tears to start slowly streaming down my cheeks.  I pulled it together knowing they were coming back in the room soon. 
    After the business was over the attorney closed the door and told me he was taking off his attorney hat and wanted to know how I had been.  Obviously the tears began flowing again.  Not just for the loss I felt that day, but because I could tell he genuinely cared about how I was.  Not many people around here do, or if they do they certainly don't show it! (but that's o.k.) He began to ask me questions about how I was coping, if I had people to talk to, a support group, a church. It was a good thing to be able to tell him how far I had come, and that I was no longer in the pit I had felt trapped in a few months ago.  He then said something that amazed me.  He said "I can't even imagine what you've gone through and how hard this has been for you."  You know there are only a handful of people in this world that know what I have really gone through.  Most of you are probably reading this! To hear that from someone else just surprised me, because in most people's eyes they don't see me as the one who has suffered the heartache, loss, depression, etc.  He saw the reality though!  The words spoken in that hour came from a heart of a man exhibiting Christ-like love and acceptance. Although I was still teary when I left (and without my home) some of the tears were tears of happiness that someone saw me for who I am now, and saw me as God sees me....not perfect, but forgiven, and doing everything I can do make the best of the rest of my life.

Has It Really Been One Month?

     I just logged onto my blog site and realized my last post was on Feb. 1!  Today is Mar. 1, so it's been a whole month!  The ironic thing is I've had soooo much to write about, but just haven't had the time (or rather taken the time) to write.  If I wrote everything now it would be way too long to read.  Over the past month I've thought of several topics I wanted to write about including anger, depression, reconnecting with old friends, and of course my recent adventure in Florida.   I think I'm going to save the more serious topics for later and write about some of my Florida trip.  There are three parts to it, and here's part 1!
     I dropped the children off at school Tuesday morning after their week with me and began my journey south.  I was making really good time, and hit downtown Jacksonville in the early afternoon.  I was in the fast lane on 95 when BAM! I hit a big orange pylon that was in the center of the lane.  There was no avoiding it without hitting a car or the wall.  The pylon got STUCK under my car and was making a terrible noise.  The cars behind me all backed off as I slowly changed lanes to try and exit the freeway.  As I descended the closest off ramp the pylon broke free.  I proceeded to the the gas station at the exit to assess the damage.  It was not pretty.  The stupid plastic pylon cracked my front bumper pretty badly, and caused damage under my car too.  All the damage appeared cosmetic, so I was on my way again.  

I made it to Orlando in time for dinner, and met my first friends and ate at Bubba Gumps at City Walk inside of Universal Studios.  It was Mardi Gras, and this City Walk area was supposed to be a really "hopping" place, but it was dead.  I think the freezing cold weather had something to do with it.  Seriously. I came to Florida to escape the cold weather and cold people in SC, and even though the cold people didn't follow me the cold weather did! We had a great dinner and went to the house to watch a really funny movie: "The Rocker".  
Wednesday I just slept in and then found the closest TJ Maxx and Target.  Ate a late lunch out and then ate IHOP about midnight. (Here's where you can start seeing why I gained 2 pounds last week.)
     Thursday was the big day...my park hopping day! I started at Animal Kingdom- my first time there.  It wasn't too interesting except for the Expedition Everest roller coaster.  WOW...it was incredible!!
     Jumped on the bus and headed over to Hollywood Studios.  The only things I wanted to do there were ride the Aerosmith roller coaster and the Tower of Terror.  Failed on both accounts.  The wait was between 120 and 180 min. on both, and no fast passes were available.  I was not going to waste all my time standing in line (not to mention my ADHD) so I just walked around and enjoyed the park.
     By then my friends were off work and met me at The Magic Kingdom.  We stayed there for a while and then went to Epcot for the rest of the night. We rode a few rides that didn't have long waits.  We listened to a Moroccan band (and belly dancer), the drums in Japan, and just spent time walking through the countries.  When the family went there in the spring we missed a lot due to the torrential rains.
     We then went to Downtown Disney and ate a late dinner at House of Blues, and walked around there.  It was definitely a full and exhausting day, but I loved the fact I went to all 5 places.

 Friday I went to IKEA for the first time ever.  It's a very unique store, but my purchase of the day was made across the street at the Krispy Kreme store.  I picked up a couple dozen and went to visit my other friends who live near Orlando.  I'll write about that in my next post......

Button Pushers

     Why is it some people just like to push your buttons?  A friend told me today that his coworkers were pushing his buttons, and I responded that my 7yr. year old was pushing mine!  Why is it we allow people to take us to the point of yelling and losing our patience when we know we shouldn't respond that way?  It's especially frustrating when that person is a child! The main problem occurs with my 7 yr. old fighting with his little sister, and the problem escalates when they're in the car together.  They both sit in the back, but they can still see, hear, and touch each other.  The last couple of long trips I have purposely put a piece of tall luggage between them to cut out the seeing and touching factor.  It really did help, too!  I've often joked about coming up with an invention to use for that purpose, or installing a 'limo window" where I can just push a button and let them go at it, but I don't have to hear it!  (Right after that last sentence I had to get up and go take care of fight about to happen.  She walked into the room where he was and he started yelling for her to get out, and it's not even his room!)  

     I just get really sick of it sometimes. I can ignore it for a while, but when it persists I know I need to put a stop to it.  When conventional, calm, rational ways don't work I find myself YELLING and losing my cool.  I hate it when it gets to that point, but it's like he keeps pushing the little buttons that irritate me the most!  Why can't he just choose to get along with her, have fun with her, or at least ignore her to keep the peace?  What makes it even more interesting is that she won't back down!  If he yells at her she'll yell back.  If he hits, she'll hit.  If he shoves her down she'll get up and shove him back!  I guess it's the law of survival that comes with having two older brothers.

     Sometimes I really think he just disagrees to disagree.  For example: The last few times they've been with me on the weekend Z has wanted to go to Church A....the 1st church I took them to here.  I've been going to Church B instead.  Today I decided to go to Church A mainly for his benefit.  When I told him in the car what church we were going to he started fussing, throwing a fit, and saying he wanted to go to Church B! This is the point where I either bite my tongue and try to hold on to my sanctification or I completely lose it and walk into church with us both angry and not exactly ready to worship!  I won't tell you which I chose.....well, ok.   I actually transitioned from losing it to biting it before we arrived.  The service was great, the music rockin, and I felt at home.  It was actually really crowded so I had to sit on the floor.  I was offered a seat, but preferred to sit criss-crossed on the floor.  Even though the children won't be with me next week I plan on going back.  Oh yeah...after church all the kids, including Z, told me how much they absolutely loved their classes.  I didn't think I was going to get Z out of there! 

     To add to the excitement Z had been messing with his loose tooth all day, and by tonight it was about ready to come out.  He wanted to pull it and I told him I would video it when he did. So we went to the bathroom and I watched him pull it!  Ewwww....I can't do it. He likes pulling his own teeth, though.  We got that bloody mess cleaned up, and in less than an hour I heard him call, "Mommy come quick!"  Usually when he says that he just wants to show me a toy or tell me something, but I could tell by the tone of his voice it really was something legit.  I ran into the kitchen and his thumb was dripping blood everywhere.  He had sliced it open on the metal pop top from the little ravioli meals.  I grabbed a paper towel, folded it, and applied pressure to his thumb, and it took a good while to stop bleeding.  He was calmer about that than he was the earlier church situation!  I bandaged it up and he was ready to resume button-pushing with it again! :-)

Just remember when you encounter a button-pusher you can choose to push back, or move back. It's got to be frustrating for them if they keep pushing but can't reach the button!

WWE- for Kids

     When N's football season ended in December he joined a wrestling club.  He can't wrestle on the school team until 7th grade, so this will give him the basics, and some experience in case he wants to try out next year.  His dad wrestled in high school and loved it, and wanted N to try it.  N. hasn't been too thrilled about practices, but Dad has made him stick with it at least until he had actually had some real matches.  I agree with that. It's good for him to stick with his commitment, and not quit until he's given it a real chance.

     On Saturday he had his first tournament.  He had to be there at 7a.m., and his first match was not until 9:45.  I have never been to a wrestling tournament, so I didn't know what to expect when I walked in before his 1st match.  There were 4 huge mats on the gym floor with matches in progress on all of them.  There were some spectators around the mats, and the bleachers were completely full on one side with yelling parents, grandparents, whatever.  It was so loud!  I finally found people I knew and sat down to wait. The 9:45 match started about 10:30, and was over very quickly.  Poor N. didn't have a chance.  The boy he was up against has been wrestling for years, had on the official hideous "uniform" and had his head shaved...very hard core.  N. was pinned almost immediately.  He came up and sat with me, upset.  I did notice throughout the day that about 1/4 of the wrestlers left the mat in tears.  It's a brutal sport, and much more physical than I ever imagined.  I was also surprised to see children as young as 4 competing, as well as females competing against males.  I'm not sure I'm completely sold on wrestling yet.

     

We watched some of his friends lose their matches, and found out his next match was in about 2 hours.  We went and got some lunch, and came back to wait.  As little as I knew about these tournaments I did know there would be a lot of dead time so I brought my bag with a book, notebook, snacks, drinks.  I knew my ADHD would kick in quickly unless I had something to occupy my time.

Match #2 was against one of his close friends.  Neither of them wanted to wrestle one another, but had no choice.   The match went a little better, but N was still at a disadvantage.  He even said his friend intentionally took it easy on him.  We watched more of his friends' matches and left.  

We got to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening together.  He needed new jeans, and he helped me pick out a couple of things for my apt.   For dinner we went to his favorite:  Outback.  Now it's not for the steak.  He loves their chicken fingers!  That's him.  His favorite restaurant is a steak house, and he doesn't even eat steak! That's ok, because I do!  We were sitting close to another family and when they got up to leave the father offered me a card.  It was some kind of bonus card he got from buying so many giftcards for his employees around Christmastime. He said he had several more and that they would be expiring before he could use them all.  I graciously accepted, of course.  N and I had a great meal, and even better conversation.  I absolutely love hanging out with him.  He is so perceptive and has such a great personality and sense of humor.  Our bill came, and it was $22.  The card the man gave us was for $20!  So.....I paid $2 plus a nice tip for our wonderful server.  I was almost in tears just thinking about what a blessing that was.  My former principal had a motto that said: 

There is a destiny that makes us brothers; None goes his way alone: All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own. ---Edwin Markham

Not to brag at all, but I can remember many times doing acts of kindness like that for others, and at a time I can appreciate it most...someone does it for me.  I was truly humbled and thankful. The $20 was incredible, but the symbolism behind it meant even more to me.  It's great when you can see God's favor at a time when you need it most.  As M told me afterwards:  God rewards those who diligently seek him.  I do believe that, but my goal is to believe that even when I can't see the tangible evidence.

Puppy Power

Puppy Power

As most of you know the children have been here for a week, and brought their 3 month old puppy since their dad is out of town. Having a puppy is like having another child, but instead of crying to communicate she yelps or barks.  That's not such a big deal unless you live in an apartment.  My oldest is allergic, and his allergies trigger asthma.  Well, this was escalated when the dog was contained in the smaller space with us.  We tried keeping her in one of the bathrooms until she scratched some holes in the sheetrock and tore up a little section of carpet.  SO we moved her kennel to the balcony to alleviate the asthma problem, as well as the destruction problem.  Unfortunately this is when the trouble started.  Apparently she was barking when we were not there and disturbing the neighbors.  The last two days it was getting bad even when we were here.  We were constantly having to take her outside just to keep her quiet.  I was determined we were going to make it until today, though.  My determination was thwarted, though, when the apt. manager came to my door Monday morning with a letter stating that complaints about the noise had been received, and that if I was going to keep the dog I would have to change my lease, which includes paying a several hundred dollar deposit. 

Ok...text puppy's dad....no response.  Call. No response.  Call the phone of the person he's with...caught him on the slopes.  We worked out all the details to have sweet puppy picked up by her grandparents and stay with them for the last two days until her dad gets back in town.  It was a relief even to the kids who were getting frustrated trying to keep her quiet.  Puppies like her aren't meant to be quiet.  They want to run and play and bark.    Surprisingly, I really miss her, though!  Isn't she beautiful?  This is right before she left.

Bizzare Bible Info:

from Genesis...

Times have really changed.

**Abram's wife Sarah TOLD him to get her servant, Hagai pregnant.

**Both of Lot's daughters got him drunk so they could have sex with him.  They both got pregnant by him and each had a son.  Ewwww.....

I really did like what I read in Job 42:10....

After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him successful again. He gave him twice as much as he had before.
 

The LORD blessed the last part of Job's life even more than the first part.--Job 42:12

I am counting on the same thing for my life.  I first named my blog My Life Part 2... because I feel like the 2nd half of my life is beginning.   If the best is yet to come, then I have a reason to be expectant and excited.